Page 7 of 10 First ... 345678910 Last
  1. #121
    Wrench97's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    S.E. Pennsylvania
    Posts
    2,616

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Buddy of mine went hunting once up in the mountains about 3 hours away, his wife packed for him before the trip.
    When he got she asked how the hunting trip went he said not too well didn't get a deer in fact had 2 good shots but missed both times because she had not packed his long underwear and he was so cold.........................too which she replied why yes I did in fact I wrapped 2 pair around your gun in the gun case......................................
    Corrine says thanks for this.


    • Ad Bot

      advertising
      Beep.

        
       

  2. #122
    GZ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    1,923
    • specs System Specs
      • Manufacturer:
        GZ Technologies LLC
      • Model Number:
        Phenom-INAL
      • Motherboard:
        ASUS M5A97-EVO
      • CPU:
        AMD PhenomII x6 (1100T)
      • Memory:
        16GB Kingston Hyper-X blu PC3-12800
      • Graphics:
        XFX Radeon HD6770
      • Sound Card:
        Realtek ALC892
      • Hard Drives:
        500GB WD Caviar Black / 1TB WD Caviar Black / 1TB Seagate / 500GB Hitachi
      • Disk Drives:
        HP DVD 1270i SATA DVD RW
      • Power Supply:
        Corsair 850TX
      • Case:
        Antec 300
      • Cooling:
        Coolermaster V8 / 2x 12CM intake / 1x 12CM rear exhaust / 1x 14CM top exhaust
      • Display:
        Acer 23in 1920x1080 / Acer 20in
      • Operating System:
        Microsoft Windows 8 Professional x64

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!


    "Among the tales of sorrow and of ruin that come down to us from the darkness of those days there are yet some in which amid weeping there is joy and under the shadow of death light that endures."

    J.R.R. Tolkien - The Silmarillion

  3. #123
    Corrine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Upstate, NY
    Posts
    8,835

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Although one of our dogs is named Jessie, perhaps because we are spelling her name differently, she doesn't do any of those things.

    We did have an Akita who would pick up his toys and return them to the toy box. He always liked to take one of the toys outside with him to play with. If he forgot it, all I had to do was tell him to go get his "squeaky" and he'd run and get it, remembering exactly where he left it.


    Take a walk through the "Security Garden" -- Where Everything is Coming up Roses!

    Remember - A day without laughter is a day wasted.
    May the wind sing to you and the sun rise in your heart.

  4. #124
    Corrine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Upstate, NY
    Posts
    8,835

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    niemiro and LilBambi say thanks for this.


    Take a walk through the "Security Garden" -- Where Everything is Coming up Roses!

    Remember - A day without laughter is a day wasted.
    May the wind sing to you and the sun rise in your heart.

  5. #125
    The Howling Wolves's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    California
    Posts
    207

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Turn up the volume and click on the Reindeer!
    http://www.glenn.tapley.us/MC.swf
    Deejay100six says thanks for this.

    In Memory of Donna

  6. #126
    Deejay100six's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    England
    Posts
    120

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Quote Originally Posted by Wrench97 View Post
    Buddy of mine went hunting once up in the mountains about 3 hours away, his wife packed for him before the trip.
    When he got she asked how the hunting trip went he said not too well didn't get a deer in fact had 2 good shots but missed both times because she had not packed his long underwear and he was so cold.........................too which she replied why yes I did in fact I wrapped 2 pair around your gun in the gun case......................................
    I know American and British humour is very different but I can usually figure it out.

    This one, I don't get at all. Sorry mate.

  7. #127
    DonnaB's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Illiana area, Ill. USA
    Posts
    457
    • specs System Specs
      • Operating System:
        Vista Home Premium / XP Home Edition / XP Pro / Win7 Home Premium 64-bit / VM-W2K SP4 IE6

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Quote Originally Posted by Deejay100six View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Wrench97 View Post
    Buddy of mine went hunting once up in the mountains about 3 hours away, his wife packed for him before the trip.
    When he got she asked how the hunting trip went he said not too well didn't get a deer in fact had 2 good shots but missed both times because she had not packed his long underwear and he was so cold.........................too which she replied why yes I did in fact I wrapped 2 pair around your gun in the gun case......................................
    I know American and British humour is very different but I can usually figure it out.

    This one, I don't get at all. Sorry mate.
    Reminds me of the story my Mom told me once about a friend of hers.

    Every year, the friend's husband went to Northern Minnesota to fish at Leech Lake with "the guys". One year the wife (my Mom's friend) decided to pack his clothes for him and she put his underwear in his tackle box. When he returned they got into a horrible fight when he screamed at her for not packing him any underwear.

    Obviously somebody wasn't going up north to go fishing!
    Deejay100six says thanks for this.
    “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pine

  8. #128
    Deejay100six's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    England
    Posts
    120

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Ah, I get it now. He didn't go shooting, otherwise he would have found his underwear. That is funny now that I get it......sorry if you think I'm stupid, I'm not really.

  9. #129
    DonnaB's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Illiana area, Ill. USA
    Posts
    457
    • specs System Specs
      • Operating System:
        Vista Home Premium / XP Home Edition / XP Pro / Win7 Home Premium 64-bit / VM-W2K SP4 IE6

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Quote Originally Posted by Corrine View Post

    We did have an Akita who would pick up his toys and return them to the toy box. He always liked to take one of the toys outside with him to play with. If he forgot it, all I had to do was tell him to go get his "squeaky" and he'd run and get it, remembering exactly where he left it.
    Ever notice how much easier it is to teach animals to pick up after themselves than it is to teach your children to do the same (if they could remember where they left the item)?

    @ Deejay100six,

    You didn't get it the first time because you are an honest man and would never think to do such a thing! Kudos to you!
    Deejay100six and Temmu say thanks for this.
    “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pine

  10. #130
    Wrench97's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    S.E. Pennsylvania
    Posts
    2,616

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Bud the Cowboy

    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

    The driver, an aggie in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

    The aggie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
    hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says,
    "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That 's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The aggie thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You 're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That 's correct," says the aggie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for
    that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

    “Now give me back my dog.”

    AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT
    Corrine, LilBambi, Temmu and 1 others say thanks for this.

  11. #131
    GZ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    1,923
    • specs System Specs
      • Manufacturer:
        GZ Technologies LLC
      • Model Number:
        Phenom-INAL
      • Motherboard:
        ASUS M5A97-EVO
      • CPU:
        AMD PhenomII x6 (1100T)
      • Memory:
        16GB Kingston Hyper-X blu PC3-12800
      • Graphics:
        XFX Radeon HD6770
      • Sound Card:
        Realtek ALC892
      • Hard Drives:
        500GB WD Caviar Black / 1TB WD Caviar Black / 1TB Seagate / 500GB Hitachi
      • Disk Drives:
        HP DVD 1270i SATA DVD RW
      • Power Supply:
        Corsair 850TX
      • Case:
        Antec 300
      • Cooling:
        Coolermaster V8 / 2x 12CM intake / 1x 12CM rear exhaust / 1x 14CM top exhaust
      • Display:
        Acer 23in 1920x1080 / Acer 20in
      • Operating System:
        Microsoft Windows 8 Professional x64

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!


    "Among the tales of sorrow and of ruin that come down to us from the darkness of those days there are yet some in which amid weeping there is joy and under the shadow of death light that endures."

    J.R.R. Tolkien - The Silmarillion

  12. #132
    Corrine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Upstate, NY
    Posts
    8,835

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Sadly, true.


    Take a walk through the "Security Garden" -- Where Everything is Coming up Roses!

    Remember - A day without laughter is a day wasted.
    May the wind sing to you and the sun rise in your heart.

  13. #133
    LilBambi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Virgina, USA
    Posts
    292

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!-hysterical-gif
    Bambi
    If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology. Bruce Schneier

  14. #134
    Corrine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Upstate, NY
    Posts
    8,835

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Stole this from Temmu:

    A monk walked into the scripture copying room where another monk was weeping.
    The first monk said, "Why are you weeping so?"
    The second monk said, "It says "celebrate!""
    LilBambi and Temmu say thanks for this.


    Take a walk through the "Security Garden" -- Where Everything is Coming up Roses!

    Remember - A day without laughter is a day wasted.
    May the wind sing to you and the sun rise in your heart.

  15. #135
    LilBambi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    Virgina, USA
    Posts
    292

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    FORGET ABOUT IT

    An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

    When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"

    "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."

    "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."

    "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."

    He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

    She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
    Corrine and Temmu say thanks for this.
    Bambi
    If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology. Bruce Schneier

  16. #136
    Temmu's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    far reaches of the galaxy, but you knew that...
    Posts
    436

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Quote Originally Posted by Deejay100six View Post
    Ah, I get it now. He didn't go shooting, otherwise he would have found his underwear. That is funny now that I get it......sorry if you think I'm stupid, I'm not really.
    thx for pointing that out... i must be unusually slow.

  17. #137
    GZ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    1,923
    • specs System Specs
      • Manufacturer:
        GZ Technologies LLC
      • Model Number:
        Phenom-INAL
      • Motherboard:
        ASUS M5A97-EVO
      • CPU:
        AMD PhenomII x6 (1100T)
      • Memory:
        16GB Kingston Hyper-X blu PC3-12800
      • Graphics:
        XFX Radeon HD6770
      • Sound Card:
        Realtek ALC892
      • Hard Drives:
        500GB WD Caviar Black / 1TB WD Caviar Black / 1TB Seagate / 500GB Hitachi
      • Disk Drives:
        HP DVD 1270i SATA DVD RW
      • Power Supply:
        Corsair 850TX
      • Case:
        Antec 300
      • Cooling:
        Coolermaster V8 / 2x 12CM intake / 1x 12CM rear exhaust / 1x 14CM top exhaust
      • Display:
        Acer 23in 1920x1080 / Acer 20in
      • Operating System:
        Microsoft Windows 8 Professional x64

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Two blondes were driving to Florida to go to Disney World. When they arrived in Buena Vista the driver noticed a sign that said, "Disney World, Left"... They both cried and drove home.

    "Among the tales of sorrow and of ruin that come down to us from the darkness of those days there are yet some in which amid weeping there is joy and under the shadow of death light that endures."

    J.R.R. Tolkien - The Silmarillion

  18. #138

    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    57
    • specs System Specs
      • Manufacturer:
        Sony VAIO
      • Model Number:
        VPCSA
      • CPU:
        Intel Core i7-2640M CPU @ 2.80GHz
      • Memory:
        8GB DDR3
      • Graphics:
        AMD Radeon HD 6630M
      • Hard Drives:
        640GB
      • Display:
        1600x900
      • Operating System:
        Win 7 Home Premium 64-bit SP1

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    A doctor on his morning walk noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What's your secret?"

    Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!-image0011-jpg


    "I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. '"Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

    '"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

    "Thirty-four," she replied.
    Corrine says thanks for this.

  19. #139
    Corrine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Upstate, NY
    Posts
    8,835

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Tech support: Hello. How may I help you today and who am I speaking to?

    Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.

    Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


    Take a walk through the "Security Garden" -- Where Everything is Coming up Roses!

    Remember - A day without laughter is a day wasted.
    May the wind sing to you and the sun rise in your heart.

  20. #140
    DonnaB's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Illiana area, Ill. USA
    Posts
    457
    • specs System Specs
      • Operating System:
        Vista Home Premium / XP Home Edition / XP Pro / Win7 Home Premium 64-bit / VM-W2K SP4 IE6

    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    If you're playing scrabble and you can't use your vowels, does that mean that you are consonated???
    niemiro says thanks for this.
    “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pine

Page 7 of 10 First ... 345678910 Last

Log in

Log in