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  1. #81
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!



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  2. #82
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    COMPUTERS

    A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    House for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
    Pencil, however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

    A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer?'

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
    groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
    whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

    Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
    feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because:

    1.No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

    2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

    3.Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
    possible later retrieval; and

    4.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
    Masculine('el computador') , because:

    1.In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

    2.They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

    3.They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

    4.As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model..

    The women won!!

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  3. #83

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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    As a follow up to my post # 62, ten really bad puns . . .

    Ten really, REALLY bad jokes. You've been warned!

    1. Two blondes walk into a building . . . you'd think at least one
    of them would have seen it.

    2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clear wrap for shorts.
    The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

    3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
    couldn't find any.

    4. Patient: Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.
    Doc: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
    Patient: Is it common?'
    Doc: It's not unusual.

    5. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
    there anything you can do for him?"
    "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him".
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
    checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
    him down."
    "What??? Why??? Because he's cross-eyed?"
    "No, because he's really heavy".

    6. What do you call a fish with no eyes? . . . A fsh.

    7. I was getting into my car, and this guy says to me "Can you
    give me a lift?"
    I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your oyster ... go for it."

    8. Two fat guys in a bar. One says to the other "Your round."
    The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

    9. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
    acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
    the other one off.

    10. UK's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
    small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. British search
    and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far and expect that
    number to climb as digging continues throughout the day.
    niemiro says thanks for this.

  4. #84
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Warned but not smart enough to listen.


    Take a walk through the "Security Garden" -- Where Everything is Coming up Roses!

    Remember - A day without laughter is a day wasted.
    May the wind sing to you and the sun rise in your heart.

  5. #85
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Hello - and thank you for calling the Mental Health Clinic. Please select from the following menu options:

    If you're obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you're co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

    If you're paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you're delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

    If you're schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you're manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

    If you're dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

    If you're bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you.

    If you're menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down, and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

    If you're blonde, don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up.
    Corrine, JMH and niemiro say thanks for this.

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  6. #86
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    In the days when you couldn’t count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India.

    She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster.

    She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC.

    In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for “Water Closet”.


    She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.

    The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC.

    Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a “Wayside Chapel” near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.


    So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

    Dear Madam,
    I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house.
    It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds.

    It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early.

    There is, however, plenty of standing room.

    This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
    It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband.
    It was a wonderful event.

    There were 10 people in every seat.
    It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces.

    We can take photos in different angle.
    My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently.

    It has been almost! a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it.

    Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time.

    I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment.

    The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
    The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters.

    We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.

    I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
    With deepest regards,
    The Schoolmaster


    The Woman fainted reading the reply…….. and she never visited India!!!!
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  7. #87
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!


    Mum arrived at the function looking absolutely the best she had for years.

    "You look great," said her husband. "You should always leave your bras at home."

    "How did you know?" she asked.

    "Because you've lost all the wrinkles from your face," he said.
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  8. #88
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

    When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
    He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

    He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
    He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
    When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
    He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

    "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

    She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
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  9. #89

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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    As a follow up to my post # 62, ten really bad puns . . .

    And a follow up to my post # 83, ten really, REALLY bad jokes . . .

    Ten more really, REALLY, REALLY bad jokes. You've been warned again!

    What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
    A nervous wreck.

    Where do you find a dog with no legs?
    Right where you left him.

    What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
    Dam!

    Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
    Because it scares the dog.

    What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
    If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

    What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
    Pick a cod, any cod!

    What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
    Breathe, you idiot! BREATHE!

    What's a frog's favorite drink?
    Croak-a-Cola.

    What did the rude prism say to the light beam that smacked into him?
    Get bent!

    Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
    It was in tents.

    And a bonus for those who have made it this far . . .

    A ten-year-old kid from New York City went to his grandpa's farm for the weekend. He tagged along as grandpa did what had to be done around the place, taking it all in because everything was a new experience for him.

    Then grandpa came across a cow having trouble calving. He didn't know how the whole process would be taken in by the ten-year-old, but he had no option but to get on with the job of assisting with the birth.

    When the calf had been 'pulled' and the cow was happily cleaning it up, grandpa asked the boy if he had any questions about what he had just seen.

    At first the city kid seemed overwhelmed by the experience, but he finally asked, "Just how freakin' fast was that calf going when it hit the cow's butt?"
    DonnaB, Corrine and niemiro say thanks for this.

  10. #90
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Topic: You know you're a redneck when...............

    1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
    2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
    3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
    4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
    5. You think the "nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
    6. The salvation army declines your furniture.
    7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
    8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
    9. You come back from the dump with more! than you took.
    10. You keep a can of raid on the kitchen table.
    11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
    12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
    13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
    14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
    15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
    16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
    17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
    18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
    19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
    20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
    21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
    22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
    23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "cool whip" on the side.
    24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
    25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
    26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
    27. A tornado hits your neighbourhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.
    28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
    29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
    30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

    Courtesy of WereBo.

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  11. #91
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

    As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

    In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

    Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

    The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

    As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

    Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."



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  12. #92
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Young Pedro was caught, for the tenth time, trying to sneak over the border into the US from Mexico. The INS agent who was in charge of Pedro's case felt bad for the kid and decided to give him a chance, so he says "Listen, Pedro, I am going to give you three words and I want you to use them in a sentence. If you can do it I will give you your green-card and you can stay. The words are Pink, Yellow and Green." Pedro sits there for a few minutes, thinking then stated "When the phone go 'green green green', I pink it up and say 'yellow dis is Pedro'!"

    "Among the tales of sorrow and of ruin that come down to us from the darkness of those days there are yet some in which amid weeping there is joy and under the shadow of death light that endures."

    J.R.R. Tolkien - The Silmarillion

  13. #93
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

    The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

    He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

    The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

    Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
    I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
    Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
    And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"



    "The funeral director," said his wife.




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  14. #94
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
    Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
    He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
    There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
    I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

    I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
    I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
    I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
    And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
    They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
    When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
    started for my car.
    Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;


    "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years.

    Last edited by JMH; 07-14-2012 at 11:49 PM.


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  15. #95
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish in Northern Ireland and Patrick is the priest in the Catholic church just across the border. One day they are seen together, erecting a sign beside the road that says:

    TA END IS NEAR!

    TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW

    AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!

    As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures."

    From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

    Shaking his head, Father Patrick says, ''Dat's da terd one dis mornin.'"

    "Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out?'''
    GZ, niemiro and F5ing say thanks for this.


    Take a walk through the "Security Garden" -- Where Everything is Coming up Roses!

    Remember - A day without laughter is a day wasted.
    May the wind sing to you and the sun rise in your heart.

  16. #96
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    It was a lovely day in the neighborhood so I decided to take a stroll near the beautiful grounds of the Mental Health Facility in our town today and I noticed that all the patients were at the windows shouting "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" and looking down into the grounds.

    There is a high wall all around the grounds so I couldn't really see what was going on, but curiosity got the best of me so I followed the wall around a bit. There was a stretch of fence, and as I approached, the patients were getting louder and louder. I saw a small hole in the fence just big enough to look through, so I bent down to have a peek.

    Suddenly a finger poked through the hole, and got me right in the eye!

    I fell back clutching my eye as a HUGE cheer went up from the Patients, and their chant changed.....




    "FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN!"
    “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pine

  17. #97
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

    The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

    "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

    After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

    "Yes?" said the instructor.

    "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"



    Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

    This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

  18. #98
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    House for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
    Pencil, however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

    A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer?'

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

    Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval, and
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem, and
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model......

    The women won!!
    Corrine and satrow say thanks for this.
    “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pine

  19. #99
    Tekno Venus's Avatar
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

    A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

    "What's the matter?" he was asked.
    He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
    "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
    "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

    Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
    "Yes, ma'am?"
    "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
    "What was wrong with it?"
    "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

    The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."


  20. #100
    DonnaB's Avatar
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    Re: Ongoing Joke Thread -- Family Friendly Only, Please!

    As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load."

    The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!"

    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!!"

    When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

    "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in New Hampshire, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
    niemiro and Corrine say thanks for this.
    “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pine

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