It has sat for weeks... literally.
At first I purged logs and did typical WU reset tasks, then let it sit for a few days. Did a reboot, sfc/dism, etc. Was checking for nearly two weeks since then. On Friday, after digging through the CBS log, it appears to mention two update packages but it's unclear what it means. I tried downloading those packages and installing them one at a time... It's been sitting at "Searching for updates on this computer..." in that process ever since.